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Post by C_Miller on Jul 6, 2015 22:36:36 GMT -5
Interesting. It seems very socially charged and while it takes place in the past it feels motivated by current events, which I responded well to. You drum up some sympathy for who I can assume will be one of your main characters, which is always ideal. I also like the new spin you give to Kobra. Definitely adds a new level to the character. You've also hooked me for the next issue,
One of my criticisms is that I don't really know where this is going and I'm not sure it's in a good way. I'm not really sure I got a feel of what the entire series is going to be like from this issue. Part of that may come from not knowing your intentions in general. You've created a claim list of really random characters with no subtitle. All of them could be on a team, but they could also just as easily be completely unrelated and have this just be a title of vignettes.
Disaster, Wonder Woman and Sentinels set up their series from the get go, but I feel like that's missing from here.
I look forward to reading more though. You're a great writer and I'm certainly interested in where this is going, despite being very much in the dark.
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Post by hawksmoor on Aug 1, 2015 15:18:41 GMT -5
There are bits of this history that don't hold so much sway over me, being British. Obviously, theres a lot of racially charged elements here, as Miller said, but I feel that's kind of a weak short hand, you know? We don't know much about these characters beyond the fact they're Black and therefore, people are being racist to them. The issue is kind of short, and there's not a lot of build up. We go from "She's a young girl, and now, some racists are going to hurt her for reasons". It actually read more like a summmary of events rather than a story, and I think that's my main issue. Almost no dialogue, and just kind of beat for beat for beat without any kind of establishment or embellishment. Just...stuff happens - End.
I'd like to see more, I really would - I just hope the next issue gives us more character work.
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Post by hawksmoor on Aug 30, 2015 1:58:24 GMT -5
So, this issue is a lot better, but right away, it still suffers from the telling, rather than showing. There's a whole load of information dumped onto us immediately, and it's all in the narrative. This sort of information could be brought over in a more informative way, through dialogue, or by showing us it happening in smaller scenes.
There's a lot of reference to the JSA, but no formal introduction to them. It's just an initialism that's thrown out straight away. We know what it means, because we've all read comics...but what does it mean in universe? What does it mean to Lisa?
**SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO:VE NOT READ IT YET**
So, also, that ending felt rushed and was confusing. I'm not 100% sure what happened. Enginehead/Dr Cyber got shot in the head by Cybergirls...Aunt, who is there because...? She got past the Cyberoids, and so did Kobra, who is after LaTonya because....
Also, did LaTonya do anything this issue?
I think the story would really be improved by more dialogue, and interaction. At the moment if feels as though it's still a summary of events, with things being described that we should be shown. Keep at it, but I want to know more about the JSA, and what it is. I want to see more interactions between characters.
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Post by hawksmoor on Sept 5, 2015 16:13:27 GMT -5
Well, not enjoying it is a bit of stretch - I just think it isn't what it could be, if you get me. Apologies if I came off as confrontational or insulting - not my intention.
So, what I mean by Show not tell is that, at present, you as the author are telling us everything. Yes, you can tell a story through narration, but at present the narrative is the authorial voice and not the voice of the character - there's not really a connection to the audience. We don't get to make up our own minds about interactions, and in a lot of cases, you as the author are telling us "so and so loves so and so" but we're not seeing that love, we're not seeing that connection, we're just being told it's there.
You're correct, we need to know who and what everything is, but we need to be complicit in that exchange, not a passive bystander. We need to be a part of it, and draw our own thoughts and conclusions from it. At the moment, it still feels like its kind of a summarisation of ideas, which are all good, but not the actual execution of it.
I'm more than happy with mystery in things, but again, the way in which the narrative is, doesn't make it feel like a mystery. It feels like it's just been left out of the summary.
I think it's the fact that I feel like we're just being told a series of events without this connection to the characters that's creating this confusion, for me. You're telling me things here that I didn't get from the issue because there's no kind of connection between the characters. Kobra rocks up, does some fire hands and proclaims his love, but I don't feel any chemistry between the characters because we're just being told he loves her...not shown it through dialogue or anything.
Like I said above, I'm not trying to offend or insult, I'm just trying to give you some honest feedback from one writer to another.
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Post by The MRP! on Sept 25, 2015 0:12:23 GMT -5
A caveat before I begin-I have editorial experience and I tend to be very blunt with writers because they will never improve as writers if they don't hear the truth about their output. Some people may not like that, and to those I apologize, but I do not sugar coat anything good or bad. If honest criticism is not what you are looking for, do not read any further.
That said...
I'll echo a lot of what Hawksmoor has said. The firs tissue for me was completely ineffecitve because it kept us at a distance from the characters and didn't allow them to see who they were as people, so there was nothing for the reader to invest in, so when bad thing s happen it has little to no effect.
Part of it was telling not showing (I'll go into that more in a couple of minutes) but also the common use of the passive voice int he telling which blunts any effect the events could have on the reader and is usually a major no-no when writing fiction of any sense. For me, it comes across as someone who might have an interesting story to tell, but is more used to writing for academic purposes than writing fiction-a story isn't a report of the events it is the interaction of character and conflict resulting in change of some sort for the character, positive or negative.
This has to be shown, not reported or summarized. To show the events, for example in #1 you would give the reader a scene of LaTonya meeting her beau, going on a date, arguing with her parents over it, make it real not gloss over and tell us they met, fell in love and people didn't like it. The first is story, the second is not.
Second the timeframe has a lot of confusion for me making the setting feel off. Is it in the 50's then CPR wasn't common knowledge-it was developed in 1954 but not presented the the public or the larger medical community as a technique until the 1970s. If it's a period piece, accuracy gives the story verisimilitude, and inaccuracy destroys a reader's suspension of disbelief in anything else in the story and creates a barrier between the reader and the story. If it is meant to be more modern or contemporary, the depiction of Klan activity in a big city feels off.
The lack of dialogue kills a lot of empathy for the characters as well. The only dialogue we get is stock dialogue of threats form the Klansmen, we never get to hear the voice of the LaTonya or Sara really, and so we never get to know who they are as characters/people, we are simply told, not shown and with all the passive voice marring everyhting, the telling is not very convincing.
So I think there is an interesting story behind all this, but the execution is a bit off in number one.
Number two however, gets to be more of a muddled mess. The setting is never really firmly established to give the reader a foundation to make everything happening in it make sense. Comics are a visual medium. Action stories have a strong visual component. If you are writing comic action in prose, it falls upon the writer to paint a visual picture with words. Establishing the setting helps to do that so there is something for the reader to hold on to as the action and actors move around it. There was a lot of action, but none of it seemed clearly visually painted with words. It was like trying to watch an action movie with bad cinematography where everything is poorly lit and you can't actually see what is happening. Not sure how you do it, but I tend to map out the action sequence in my mind and on paper before I write word one of the script, so that it is clear to me before I start, then figure out what needs to be clear to the reader to make it work, and make sure I incorporate that. Then I write it in a very bare bones manner to get all the action beats in place, then go back and revise adding detail and polish it up to flesh out the scene. Action is difficult to write in prose. You cannot control the pace at which the reader reads effectively, so you need to make sure everything is clear and concise to allow them to move at their own pace through it. Then add what is needed to make it come to life.
I think there is a lot of promise here. There seems to be an interesting story fighting to get out, but the characters need more depth and development to get readers to invest in it, and the execution needs to do more to bring the reader in and hook them, not push them away and throw exposition at them. Narration is a tool, yes, but it shouldn't read like your presenting a summary of events the reader did not experience him or herself, it should present the story for the reader to experience on their own.
More dialogue (give each character a voice the reader can identify), fleshed out characters, establish the setting more, give the reader some context and hooks, all of this will help the execution of the story ideas you have. Like I said, a lot of promise, but it needs better execution to reach its potential.
-M
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