Welcome to my Nightmare....Doorway to Nightmare discussion

So it begins, part one of Storm Season is up...

-M

No worries, it just went up this morning man

-M

Hey, sorry i haven't got a chance to read this yet. Been busy with the job search in the new city will have a review for you hopefully this weekend.

Going to kind of give a little of a live reaction as I read.

-You set a solid tone with your first few paragraphs really building the mystery behind little boy alone in the Henderson wing. Overall the opening was rock solid. The haunting atmosphere dripped from the screen.

-The flashback was short, but again very solid. You continue to build a haunting atmosphere which fits the title well.

-It's early, but Corrigan comes of as too much of a cliche former cop PI, but I am sure that will be built on in the future.

-You have an extremely slow burn going here with very little of your cast shown in this early issue, but the atmosphere of the issue will keep me coming back.

First of a new age of DC Fanfiction! I'm excited to read this - MRP, you've always written superbly, and brought a lot of life and concept to characters - Having recently read a decent amount of Noir for my own enjoyment and also for my own novel/masters course, I love the feeling you establish immediately.
I see what you mean about the Lovecraft elements as well - that's definitely present, particularly with the "etchings" statement.


The story, for the most part, is pretty gripping. You set up the environment nicely, and the characters - but there's the odd technical gaff that pulled me out a bit. One thing, if i may, is the use of run on sentences in the opening sequences. There's a LOT of Ands. Examples?
Now, this is something I suffer from as well 


"He slid the spray can of deodorizer out of his coat pocket and sprayed himself down to cover the smell of cigarettes, and slid through the door he had propped open with a rock and back inside the hospital.



He stopped by his locker and ditched the jacket and his pack of smokes, and grabbed a breath mint."

I'd be inclined to do something like "He slid the spray can of deodorizer out of his coat pocket, spraying himself down to cover the smell of cigarettes. Todd, quietly, slid through the door he had propped open with a rock, back inside the hospital"

Your mileage may vary, but I think the ditching of "ands" gives a more fluid sense to the story, and less like bolt on pieces to a sentence. Plus, that sentence was really long - as you probably know, the shorter the sentences the quicker the pace and the more "punchy" the writing. I just notice this stuff because I do it, too.

The other thing - is repetition. For example;

“Awww man, you have got to be fucking kidding me!” Todd swore as he fished the Ipod out of his pocket.

You don't need to tell us Todd swears, because, we already know that. He just did it when he said fuck. It just robs the line of some substance because you're going over what we already know.

Also, really silly comment - perhaps highlighting ignorance on my part? Is it not Persona non-grata?

At any rate, great set up - We get a reference to Xanadu, who, I assume will turn up next issue, and Corrigan is set up as a cop no more, but from that background, which tells us a lot immediately, especially his fall from grace. I am hoping that the guy banging on Xanadu's door will be in the next issue, when we meet her, and then the following issue it will be our turn to meet Fate - but whatever you bring, I'm sure it will be great.

Apologies if the above seems picky, but the actual content of the story isn't bad, it isn't distracting or rubbish, it's just those little run ons and little repetitions that seem to drag some of the soul away.

Well a third main character appeared briefly in cameo, albeit on a TV screen

I'll make one not on the structure of the opening-in the original Doorway to Nightmare comics and in a lot of noir or PI type stories whether TV or comics, we often have an opening sequence (in TV/film usually pre-title sequence and in more modern comics a pre-splash page sequence) where we meet the victim/person who comes to the investigator to get their help that focuses one them and their problem-the hope I believe is to get the reader/viewer interested/invested in the case, the world, and the "victim" before the protagonist enters the scene so that the audience can root for the investigator to solve the case/help the "victim"-which is how I decided to structure the opening. In Doorway, it's always someone having difficulties who then winds up at Madame Xanadu's doorstep wondering if they should go in, but not going in until they were desperate enough to do so-many times they go in initially skeptical, Xanadu gives her spiel and then they are in denial, leave and come back to get her help when it all goes south and they realize she was right-Todd's plight was my take on that idea, he never goes at first despite Alicia's suggestion, but when it all goes south he ends up running there with nowhere else to turn...but this isn't just a Xanadu book, it's a Hub City book, so the Corrigan sequence, the TV spot, the Henderson Wing are all aspects of the bigger picture, the bigger story of the city-organized crime, political corruption and these horrors in and around the city...all part of the fabric of the Hub laying there for all to see, but in the background, secondary to Todd and Corrigan which is where the spotlight was shining...


appreciate the comments guys-Ed..I'll look at the technical stuff you mentioned, and work on keeping it in mind as I edit later issues. I may go back and do another pass on the first issue at some point too. Chris-I'm aware f the character development aspect, but again as I laid out above-that was an intentional omission in the opening, sacrificed to give the audience a chance to interact with some aspects of the Hub itself, which in many ways is the main character here.

Again, we'll see if I can pull it off moving forward, but I will warn people this will be a slow burn. I am trying to avoid what I see as one of the most common mistakes in fan fiction-writers trying to fit all 75 years of ideas and character evolution/development into a few thousand words of story, and even if they manage to do so successfully (which is rare) it leaves them nowhere to go next or without any ideas for more...so slow burn is they way I am approaching it. Again, we will see if it works or if I can pull it off.

-M

Alright issue two really delivered. You are starting to bring more of your characters to the story and thickening the mystery. The introduction to Vic Sage was nicely done and gives us the clear vision of who he is. The entire kidnapping of Brady was excellently done. Nothing was too noticeable in the grammar department.

Keep the issues coming though thus far has been an excellent read.

Thanks for the comments on issue 2, glad folks are digging this so far.

-M