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Post by C_Miller on Nov 30, 2014 23:50:19 GMT -5
The March of Time was one of the Newsreels of the time It ran through the 30s and 40s. Here's an example: March of Time: Inside Nazi Germany (1938)Anyways, I got my first issue up. Two weeks after I claimed the title, so I'm rather pleased with that (despite absolutely failing at Hawkman). Overall, I am rather proud of the issue as I was juggling the origins of Three of my main characters. Let me know what you think! |
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Post by buck on Dec 2, 2014 2:29:45 GMT -5
Alright beta reading I focused on mechanics for you man so in this I am going to aim just on giving you my thoughts on the narrative.
The opening scene was well put together and really fit what you are trying to do with this series. The dialogue read true to the time period and the little details you snuck helped reinforce the time period.
The Jay scene was also solid. The dialogue again rings true for the time period. You also hammered home one of Jay's defining traits in the very first issue by showing his determination to get the job done. That's always been one of my favorite parts of his character so was definitely nice to see that in your iteration.
In the Alan scene you have Oh common Alan, don’t be such a stiff instead of "oh come on Alan, which was a tad bit distracting.
Your portrayal of Alan's sexuality was pretty well done. At times reading I disliked him because of his refusal to accept who he is, but at other times I felt for him because of his struggle to understand who he is.
The final scene was heart wrenching and I have to say it was an excellent choice not to milk the scene for the melodramatic beats and instead melting the scene into the song choice.
Overall it was a very solid first issue and I hope to see you continue this momentum.
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Post by Wachter on Dec 12, 2014 6:19:01 GMT -5
Really reads as a period piece and it's pleasure to see you are trying to incorporate even Nu52 aspects into your ultimatization. I didn't care too much for the Jay scene honestly. Enjoyed the Alan scene since it clawed at what is acceptable even today. I'll second Buck's opinion on the final scene. It's one of those things where people delude themselves up until (and sometimes after) that final moment.
Best of luck with the series.
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Post by hawksmoor on Jan 11, 2015 10:10:13 GMT -5
So, Sorry it took me so long to review this. We've spoken before about how much I love the JSA, so I was excited to read this.
Firstly, the story itself, as Wachter said, is very much a period piece, and it reads that way. There's a few choppy bits and bobs in there, first and foremost being the use of run on sentences. They're pretty distracting and they totally destroy the pacing of the scenes in a few places, none more so than the opening of the first scene with the Hunkels. If anything, I'd say watch out for those - it killed the momentum of the Jay scene as well, which ain't so hot for a Flash.
As far as the Alan scene goes, yeah, good job on the positive portrayal of a gay character without them being needlessly camp or anything. My only confusion comes from the fact that Alan randomly calls Sam Jimmy for a bit, and even you do, and then we're back to Sam. What was that about? (Also, yeah, how many times did Alan say "Sam" when talking to him? I know that Wacther has pulled both me and Buck up on it so...your turn, dude.
One big thing is, there are no descriptions of people. I am guilty of this as much as the next guy, and I know we're leaning on DC lore here, but...does everyone look the same? What are they wearing?
Nice ending scene though - we did speak about Red Tornado's new and old, and frankly, yeah...I see it, man. Looking forward to seeing more from you!
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