City Magic: Sentinel's Review Thread

Just finished the first issue. Interesting start. It certainly is big in scope and scale, but maybe a little too big. Except for the opening scene with Traci, it all felt a little impersonal, so much time and space was given to that scene the rest felt rushed and imbalanced leaving the whole a little off kilter. coming back to Traci at the end just emphasized the feeling it was her story and the other bits were distractions or side paths taking time and focus away from the main thread, which was Traci. The other bits were interesting, but again too short when compare to the main Traci scene in Fawcett, so they felt like tack-ons rather than part of a seamless whole. Future issues could correct the balance, but the first issue just felt heavily tilted.

On the grammar side, there were a number of sentences that look like they were edited or changed, but not all of the original part was taken out, as there are stray extra articles, or other words littered here and there that look like vestiges of a previous sentence construction that was changed to read better (and the sentence would have read well too, if the extraneous bits had been removed), but with those vestiges still there, the sentences read awkwardly and the flow of the narrative ground to a halt as my brain focused on how the sentence should have read rather than what it was saying. Mostly it just needed another proofreading pass after the edits/revisions were made to make sure all the changes were cleaned up. If that had been done, it would have read very well.

So overall, a solid start, but a little unbalanced, but I do look forward to seeing where you are going with it all.

-M

I read this last night, but just now getting the chance to review it. I agree with mrp it was kind of clunky and uneven, but most first issues are as it takes a few issues to get things really moving along.

The biggest pro for me was the fact all of the characters were well represented I got to know everyone who appeared well enough that I know who they are in the coming chapters.

But look forward to the next issue.

Also, thanks Buck - I like writing characters, sometimes I get carried away with them, and I lose the plot, so apologies if it's clunky. I keep scenes short sometimes intentionally, so I don't end up writing forty pages of dialogue, but that also backfires. Sadly, this isn't one of those times! I will attempt to even out the oddness of the story.

Thanks Jack!

I am a fan of the odd, and obscure, and strange, so the cast is going to vary a bit. I'm glad you liked the snippet thing, but #2 is really focused on Traci, and a big bit of Barda an' all. Slowly, the porpoise of it all will reveal itself, but, I think cards will be on the table by #3/#4 and you'll know why we're seeing what we're seeing!

Thanks again!

I think I preferred the second issue to the first, but I liked both.

One thing I really like about your writing is that it's very forward thinking, however like you said, you're very much a character writer. I agree that it has the chance of combating with your big plot stuff. That being said, I think your character work propels this enough to where the plot doesn't matter as much. I say that with a grain of salt though. Plot is obviously important, but I do think your characters are strong enough to keep me coming back.

My favorite part of your issue was the conversation between Zatanna, Black Alice and Traci 13. It's easy to give three young girls all the same voice, but you found different ones for each. And I'm not entirely sure on the ages, but they rang true with people ages 16-25, which I assume is the age range you're working with.

The one part I'd be a bit careful with is that I did feel kind of lost in your story. There are a ton of things that I supposedly need to accept, but I'm not really clear on why I need to accept them. Although you lead me to believe that there will be some exposition in the next issue, which I'm looking forward to.

On the back of the first Mind the Gap trade, there's a review that says "I'm not sure what I just read, but I love it!" and I think that sums up my feeling on this series. I really enjoy it, but I'm in the dark.

Forward thinking was probably a bad word choice on my part. It was late after a marathon writing session. And now that I'm sitting here after a long day of work, I'm blanking on a good wording as well. Morrison-Esque or even Doctor Who-Esque where you're not resting on the laurels of just telling a basic Sci-Fi or Magic story. You're just kind of going for it and telling a rather heady story. I hope I explained it better. If not, shoot me a PM and I'd be more than happy to discuss it with you.

As for what I'm supposed to accept, I'm not sure if I can call any specific examples, but I just felt like I was thrown into this world very quickly and it's either get on board or get out of the way. So far there are these characters who have powers and things are happening that seem really important, but I'm not sure what the connections are. There's just a lot going on and nothing has really been explained.

But like I said, it seems like that will be next issue. And I will say, I definitely feel like I'm along for the ride and I believe I got the right feelings out of it, so even though there's a lot of stuff to simply accept, I think you're making good choices.

Thanks Buck, I tried to set out some snippets of the Third and Fourth world, but I do find it difficult sometimes to set out little nibblets of information, especially as I hate Expositiony issues, I found myself drowning in one.

I'll try and keep it a bit better paced though - glad you enjoyed the issue itself. I really love Traci, and have since her first appearance. Funnily enough, her first appearance was the first Superman comic I ever bought from the shop, when I was at Uni.

Yeah, fair enough on the name thing. I wonder if that's a Brit thing compared to an American thing, though? Not trying to get out of it, because, yes, I shouldn't be having a character repeat the name a lot, but, at least in my conversations, we name check each other a fair amount. Weird, maybe it's just me? But I appreciate the comments - with the introduction of more characters coming, I'm going to need to be much more careful with that.

I don't know who Tiffany Aching is, I'm afraid. So, if it there are similarities, I don't know what they are! But thank you on the fight scene, Traci's particularly abilities are something I have admired for a long time, and sadly, they got shuffled away when she became more mainstream. I am glad that you're enjoying the characters though, Traci is a wonderful character to write, and so is Barda. She's so brilliantly powerful and engaging - She's a really striking character.

I am glad Shilo is coming across as a "loveable?" arse.

The mesh between the tech and the magic is going to come in the next few issues, and we're going to be visiting Victor next issue (I think?) I'd be interested to see your views on these things as well, as the tech isn't going to be...quite what you're expecting, I think. I dunno though, as I don't know what you're expecting!

Thanks for the reviews!

Played out a bit longer than I wanted, and it was quite exposition-y (sorry) but Issue #3 is up. I am slightly worried it doesn't answer any of the questions people had, but, I will be trying to answer them next issue as I build up Beryl, Traci and we get to see Victor (it was issue #4 I meant...not #3)

Random Notes while Reading:

Direction of One made me smile.



Jui?

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Yeah, you were right over the exposition bit. There's a lot of it. You made things worse with the format of the issue which had extra spacing between the paragraphs and made it seem even longer than it really was. I really enjoy all your little humor bits. I never really understood what the Second World was throughout all the exposition. Barda and Diablo were very sweet together. If you kill Barda, I will *gives Taken speech*.

Honestly, there's not much to comment on with this issue. It's really just one long scene that answers some questions while adding even more questions. Squire is not someone I'd immediately expect to be in a title like this but I'm looking forward to her appearance. Traci really, really has a strong voice. I'm impressed with it. She very nearly managed to carry an entire issue where not much happened.

It's been bothering me and google has been no help. My friends have failed me. Is Jui supposed to some shorthand for juice? I NEED TO KNOW!!! Or do you mean gui which as far as I can find only relates to meat...

This is going to start another round of googling with every possible combo of raspberry and things that could sound like jui.

Another note to myself so that I remember to read issue 4 this weekend.